Sybil...

I came across the book "Sybil" by Flora Rheta Schreiber as I walked up and down the aisle searching for a book on 'Proactive Personality Behaviour' for my Dissertation. 

My eyes saw a book that looked like a novel, nestled among all the non-fiction books. And I pulled it out and the rest is history.

The cover page of the book claimed that it was "the true story of a woman possessed by sixteen separate personalities" and reading this I was hooked. I couldn't put back this book and I suddenly didn't want to. I decided that I already had two books to read for the dissertation and that it would be better if I finished those books and then issued the third one. 

I returned to the hostel and when I got time I started on my book. This was day before yesterday. Unfortunately I have been having classes the entire day and yesterday too we had some program in college, so I was held back till around 9:30 p.m. 

These three days, it has been like agony. I started reading the book and I just couldn't put it down. With snatches of time from here and there, I was able to finish the book today and it has left me in awe.

Sybil's entire life seemed to come to life in front of my eyes. I was fascinated, scared, repulsed and tormented by the kind of life she had had.  I couldn't imagine that anybody could have suffered so much in a life time. The fact that she dissociated into these multiple personalities helped her to live and one can't help but admire her for her courage. 

I always believed that there were different facets to one's personality. The way we behaved or acted in different circumstances depended on our mood and what we wanted to express. After all one wasn't the same in all situation, one acted and reacted in different ways at different times. But the concept of creating another personality to handle a particular aspect of oneself seemed so....for lack of a better word I would say 'extreme'.

To be not able to know that you had dissociated from yourself, that you had another you in another name doing things which you never remembered or even dreamt of doing seemed very scary. 

Despite losing time to her other selves whose actions she could never remember, she who initially rebuffed the idea that she had such an issue, actually got to know and talk to her other selves and reintegrated to a whole person. This is just a tribute to 'Sybil' for having faced it all and even then being able to come back to herself and coping with life.

It just goes to show doesn't it...Nothing is impossible...No mountain ever hard to move...If you want it..You can really do it....even if it seems a impossible case like Sybil's.

My mind....

The class is going on and I sit here listening to everyone talk. We have just been divided into groups and we need to move out into our assigned classroom for the group exercise.

Everybody is talking and a sense of foreboding passes over me. So many things to do and so little time...Will everything be alright? Should I be more assertive on the matter or should I just let the sleeping dogs lie?

I remembered my post on Facebook. Something that I posted a few days back. " Life is a journey, Nothing is ever predictable and everything depends on the choice that we make". And suddenly at this juncture I really did not know what choice to make. It is my life and my choice and I really did not want to make the wrong choice.  What do I do? What do I do first? Should I inform others? Will I be able to do my work on time and many more.

I know not many of them are big issues. They are all small things which I usually handle with care. But today I am unable to decide and unable to act. A sense of helplessness washes over me.

I close my eyes....I let my mind drift....A smile flashes by....A sight crosses my mind. Lizzie crosses the rods filled with slush wanting to reach Jane, hoping that her sister is doing good....Darcy finding himself falling in love with Lizzie.....His awkward proposal.....Her refusal.......Lizzie falling in love with Darcy...Things settling down....The love in the air...The happiness all around....

I open my eye with a smile. The recollection of a happy ending and my mood is trying to get back on track. I smile at my silly fancies of a moment ago.

I decide to be active in the group discussion and charge on ahead. The thoughts in my mind, set aside for now, till I can and want to deal with them.

Now our group discussion is over and I am back again in class. I am not overly cheerful but neither am I morose. I can deal with all the stupid small issues that affected me I know.

Something has come up. A word here and a word there, things are not fully in my control. I feel myself getting angry, frustrated and annoyed with many things. I know that  unnecessarily brooding over small things are going to make me feel worse. So I am determined not to let them affect me.

I think of my next character. Ayla.....her life...her childhood....the trials and tribulations she undergoes...I smile as I recollect the wonder in her eyes as she meets Jolander and "the others". I remember their journey from the valley to the Mamutoi and then finally back home to the Zelandonni...I remember and I smile.

I don't stop I go on...the Victorian era and the power and patches....I think of the pretty ladies in their gowns and the handsome Dukes and the menfolk busy with their cravats. I think of my books waiting for me at the hostel. Those that lend me company and those that can make me feel good.

Thinking of all my favorite characters and my books...Spending some time with all of them has made my day. I know my issues are just around the corner. But now I have given them a slot and there they will wait, unless I decide I want to tackle them.

And tackle them I will because now I am at peace with myself...

The small things...

The day started off really well and I was very happy until....... I reached the 'until' part and the happiness that I had in me from the morning and the happiness that had been carried over from the day before just evaporated, "Poof" right in front of my eyes.

The day which began well  began to get bad. Steeped in irritation, I went out and would you be surprised if I told you that my day went from bad to worse? As I returned my irritation levels had reached its zenith and I would lie if I said that I had not lost my temper.

This is not a usual phenomenon for me but in a way it is too. I, like everybody else, tend to get irritated at different things. So the irritation part was nothing new. But the fact that my irritation had grown over the day and had reached a point where I could no longer rationalize was something different. I do not say I never reach this stage but I rarely do.

And to my surprise, the next day when I woke up, I wasn't my usual cheerful self. I tried suppressing my irritation and anger at the world in general. But towards the end of the day I found that I was in worse shape than the previous day. I started getting annoyed at small things and snapping at small things. I was exasperated for things that were beyond my control. And the fact that they were beyond my control was adding to my agitation and anger.

I decided to pen down my thoughts and felt that I may feel better after all of the writing that I was going to do. Numerous names, one more exotic than the other popped into my head as I decided what I was going to write about. From names like "Rantings of a 'not' teenage and 'not drama queen' to ones like 'frustration' and 'how your day can go from bad to worse' popped into my head. From these names itself you can guess the state that I had worked myself up to.

All these happened yesterday and at the end of the day, you can be assured that I was in a state. I went back and cribbed about all my irritations to two people who are really close to me, my mom and to my good friend.

I spoke to them about all these problems expecting them to emphasize with me and tell me that things were going to be fine. Imagine to my surprise when nothing happened the way I expected it to happen.

Both of them spoke about how I was getting upset at things that were beyond my control and those over which I actually needn't get too worked up. After listening to all that they said, I was even more upset and dejected.

But their words forced me to think. And I am really glad that they both said what they did. I needed the reality check and needed to realize what I was doing to myself. I had always talked about being positive and cheerful  no matter what. But I let a small irritation in my mind stay there and fester and fester. The irritation in me caused me to be irritated at other and smaller things, things over which I would normally not react.

Now as I realize what I did, I know that in the future I will be more careful and take things in my stride. Irritations will come but they have to go. I cannot let my life be rules by this. So from now on, I will try to be positive as I usually say I and we all should be.

This was the decision that I took yesterday night and the remarkable thing is that when I woke today morning, I was in a much happier mood. And though there have been instances where I would have normally got irritated and upset, I no longer have those stuck in mind and impacting everything I do and the way I react.

Right now, a much happier person, singing off.....for the next session....

Gurls tym!!!!

Though I had promised the continuation of the saga..."The tribute-Part 2".....I have decided to take a small intermission or may be a few. To start off.....I wanted to talk about "GURLS TYM"

As the class got over...the girls were streaming out of the class....That is when the phone beeped....The phone was taken out and the message read out, "Hey girls we will go out for lunch, so don't munch from the mess. Ask all..."

We looked at each other and raised our eyebrows.

 "What say?..."

"Are we in?"

"Call and ask"

"So in...okay...Just message that we are in..."

We walked slowly to the hostel. We didn't have to rush. It was okay if the lunch mess closed as we would go out and eat. We reached our floor and got ready to leave.

Setting out for the fun times ahead

In a few minutes (that got extended to 15 as everybody got dressed) we left the place and decided to go to Pizza Hut and then drop in at the nearest theater for a movie. We were then at the gate, waiting and waiting...for our conveyance... To make the long story short, we rushed to Pizza Hut, lounged around and stuffed ourselves. To complete the day, we went to coco tree and had amazing Chocolate Fudge which was really yum.

Hmmm....Yumm......Chocolate Fudge.....

Hyper at coco tree

The moments at both the places were interspersed with loads of comments and ogling and fits of giggling. The end of those two nice foodie joints was that we were broke.

As we got out of Coco tree, we decided to walk. And to walk we went to Marine Drive.

At Marine Drive, we spent some time walking as we intended to and the rest of the time taking photos.

At Marine Drive

Posing with the sunset

Beautiful moments

"The end of the day..." we realized as we glanced at our watches.

With groans and grumbles we decided to head back. The occasional "oooff, I don't want to go back" and the "Let's do this tomorrow too" did follow.

And so we got into the auto and to the horror of the auto fellow, we entertained him with songs....badly sung till  we reached back...

They were a few amazing few hours that we spent with each other.  And I have come to the conclusion
Girl times are way too much fun.
We need loads of chocolate to be happy and extra happy. "Just add extra chocolate to it..."
Loud songs in the auto can be so much fun
Being hyper is nice when you have company :)
And the final chorus girls, "I don't give a damn..."

Sorry people if this post has been a tad too cryptic but the day was too much fun. And I couldn't possibly explain the fun elements here and in this context. So if you are curious just let me know, let me see what I can do.

Cheerio and so we meet in the next episode...

The Tribute

I had been pondering in my mind for the past few days on what I wanted to write about. I thought hard but couldn't come up with anything concrete. I finally zeroed in on one "aspect"...on one "thing" that I wanted to write about... I wanted to write a 'Tribute' to some of the best friends that I have had and that I still have.

No...I am not going to be telling any names and giving qualities of 'these' friends of mine. The tribute that I wish to give them is the acknowledgement on the impact that they have had on my lives.

Having parents who have a transferable job ensured that we kept on our toes and settled down in different places.  Living in the office quarters in Chennai and Lucknow helped me gain many friends, not only in the quarters but in the different schools too that I had to study in.

When I recall fond moments of friendship during my school days, many pictures flash by...sports day in school and all of us huddled in our sports houses, rushing off to buy ice-cream during the sports day, planning trips to numerous friends houses, sneaking around in the quarters while playing and hoping that none of our parents called us back home or interrupted our games. These school friends and quarters mates of mine, believe it or not people, where some of my first experiences in mingling with people outside my comfort zone.

Constant bickering and gossips with each of these friends, actually enhanced my communication skills to an extent. Would you believe that we had to keep shifting our language by speaking in Malayalam a moment and then shifting to Hindi or English the next when somebody joined the group or left it.

Some of my fondest memories lay in my visits to the library. We were three and we would plan and go to the library together. Avid readers, we would plan and take the books such that we could exchange them and read. At the end of it, the discussions we had on whether Nancy Drew did the right thing or whether Harry could have escaped and so on, still bring a smile to my face.

In fact, my life so revolved around my friends that each year when the transfer list would come, I would be in tears as a few of my friends would have been transferred to somewhere new. So when the time came for us to be transferred, as you can likely guess, I was in shock and really unsure whether I wanted to go. But that's for another time and place.....

Some of my close buds at Chennai

So now we come to my next set of friends...my friends at Lucknow...both quarters and school. It probably had to do with my age as I was joined the 11th standard when I reached Lucknow but my experiences here were certainly different. 

Initially difficult to form friends and understand whom to trust, I ended up befriending a few. Some of these chums are still close to my heart and though we don't keep in touch everyday or every week, we can still catch up on things where we left off without a hitch.

My friends in Lucknow, hhhm......we did have quite fun times. Games like before didn't happen much, time spent with friends were either spent cycling together or walking around or even just sitting down and chatting and 'observing others'.

Going crazy at Holi :)

After Farewell, at one of our favorite hangs....

I do not know how to put into words the impact on my life in Lucknow. All I can say is that those moments where really precious. To mention a few, all the big fights (though they feel really small and stupid now!!!), the peace prayers :D, the moments spent in the nooks and crannies of the quarters, the ultimate  passing of comments on everything we saw....hhmm...wonderful....

So I completed my studies sin Lucknow and then landed in Kerala, Vallikav to be precise. I joined Amrita in Vallicav for my graduation.

You can imaging my horror and my disbelief at the turn of events. Kerala was home for me, but home to come to in the summer holidays and I thought it was going to be really difficult here. I joined Amrita with a 'serious' outlook. I had decided (God alone knows for what!) that I was to be serious and that there was to be no fooling around (like in Lucknow).

So my first few weeks went uneventfully and gradually I made a few friends. In Amrita, though I felt that I had friends, I never thought that I had very close buddies.  It was only towards the end of my graduation and after my graduation, that I discovered my good buddies.

Times at Amrita are hard to describe. There were good moments and bad moments. There were instances where the person whom you believed was your friend was no longer your friends and those people whom you felt had nothing in common with you became very good friends. It can be aptly described to be like that of a roller-coaster ride. But when I got off at the end of three years, I did have a wonderful treasure of friends, not just among my classmates and other steams and disciplines but even a teacher or too.

Some of the wonderful moments captured....

Our farewell....

My days at Amrita shaped me to a large extent to what I am today...

Last I come to my classmates and my friends at Rajagiri...What do I say about them....Quite a lot I guess...So I am signing off for now....Sign in later for the next episode of 'The Tribute' to know about this bunch of buds.....

Nick of time

"I was off in a few hours..."I thought to myself excitedly.

I was leaving to my home the next evening and I could hardly wait for it to arrive. Unfortunately for me the class that I had was on Marketing Research and I really didn't want to bunk that and go home. And to make matters worse, even if I had gathered up the courage and made the decision to bunk I could not have done it. All because the class got rescheduled with the exam.

And even if the heavens and earth had moved to make my 'bunking' possible , I could not have done it as this exam was in place of the mid-trimester exams as well as all the assignments that sir was intending to give us. So I steeled myself and decided to give my best for the exam.

The excitement in me grew as the hours drew closer. Though I had an exam I found myself packing things to take home and mentally also packing the bag that I would take with me. I was off to Port Blair the day after I reached home and I was so excited that I was flitting around.

That morning as the exam time drew near i decided to do a bit of reading for the exam. You see, I had to finish the exam fast. The exam was to start at 1.50 - 2.00 and should have finished by 4.00. My train was only at 5.20 but the Kochi just like any other place is known for its heavy traffic at this time.

When I had gone to class the previous day I asked a classmate of mine, Keerth, whether he could drop me at the station. He replied to me saying that he couldn't make it but he would be of service to me by offering his car if I could find another to take me in his stead.

I pondered on the matter of my reaching the station gravely. I decided to call another classmate of mine, Sheperd and asked him if he could drop me and also told him that Keerth's vehicle was available. To my good luck, Sheperd agreed to drop me.

I reached the computer lab in time for the exam. I was nervous and excited at the same time. My thoughts were filled with my trip to Port Blair and I could neigh think of anything else. But I decided that I had to finish the paper and leave by exact four itself to make it to the station.

My classmates and I waited outside the lab for them to let us in. I was getting impatient by this time.

It was 2.00 and the exam hadn't started yet. Luckily sir opened the door and beckoned us in.

We rushed in to be greeted by the news that the exam was a three-hour one. I sat transfixed and rapidly calculated the time the exam got over.....5.00.....

"Oh God!!!! Now what? I will miss the train", I thought to myself.

I took another minute to compose myself and decided that I would leave by 4.30 which would let me reach the station just in time with only a very small margin. It was a risk but I couldn't help it. I had to reach home today because our flight was the next afternoon.

I decided to do as much as I could in the time that I had allotted to myself. As  time flew by, the thoughts of the trip flew right out of my head and all I could think of was finishing the paper in time. Something made me glance my watch and I realized that it was already 4.30 and though I hadn't finished the paper I had to get out and make a move.

"It's ok...Once in a while if you can't complete the paper it is ok....It is okay to give priority to something other than studies and exam once in a while..." I consoled myself with these thoughts.

I submitted the document to sir and rushed out with my bags when I realized that it had begun to rain.

Sheperd called me. "Where are you and have you taken the key from Keerth?", he asked.

Belatedly I realized that there had been a miscommunication between me and Sheperd. I assumed that he would take the key from Keerth whereas he assumed that I would.

I began to panic and didn't know where to turn. I decided to go by auto. By then Sheperd reached and told me he would take the key from Keerth. I was adamant that he shouldn't as Keerth was writing the exam. Sheperd finally gave in and told me that he would drop me on my bike.

As I waited for Sheperd, Saji arrived on the scene. He told Sheperd to collect the car keys from Keerth as there was a probability for it to rain.

Now torn between the two decisions, I stood there confused. As Sheperd hurriedly made his way to get the car keys, I stood there talking to Saji. By now the time was 4.45 and I started thinking of the alternative modes of travel. I just had to get home.

Luckily for me, Saji asked me about my train. When I told him that the train was at 5.20 even he agreed that I should go by the bike as I would never make it in the traffic.

Sheperd too arrived on the scene and he got his bike. Saji gallantly removed his jacket and gave it to me so that I wouldn't get wet in the rain. I got on the bike and finally we left.

I kept glancing at my watch as we sped past the other vehicles. Already at the rush hour and with a slight drizzle my hopes of reaching the station gradually came down.

"Oh god, let the train be late....Oh god, please help me reach there in one piece.....God, please let there be no traffic so that the bike can go fast.....Oh god, let the bike not go too fast even if i miss the train....God, please help me get the train..."

These prayers kept going around in my head until I even lost track of what I was saying and why I was saying it.

It was 5.15 and I still hadn't reached.

"There I am going to miss the train" I thought to myself.

"Will we reach? Where have we reached? How much more time to reach?", I asked Sheperd...

It was 5.25 and the bike pulled up in the railway station. Sheperd told me to hurry and I half-ran and half-sprinted to the fourth platform. I descended the stairs and stood there panting for another minute. There was a crowd in the platform but had the train left?

I turned and asked a lady, "Janshatabdi ethiyo?..." She replied in negative and before I could respond I saw the train pulling into the station and again started the mad rush to find my coach and seat. I barely squeezed myself through the crowds and got on the train, located my seat and sat down.

I relaxed just for a moment and called up Sheperd, "Ethi.....Kitti....." Between short gasps I told him that I had reached and found the train and my seat and sat down. By then my mother started calling to confirm whether I could get the train or not. The next few moments I spent calling up Saji and my dad and few others who helped me and let them know that I had made it.

The train that I thought that I would miss...The train that I actually was late for....The train that I left my exam halfway for....The train for which I made my friends run around like crazy.....I had made it....Just in the nick of time...

We too ran a business....

A few weeks back we were greeted with the news by one of our teachers, while in the HR class,  that we were to have a simulation classes. Waves of despair washed through us as we realized that we had to stay back the weekend for the so called "really good" class.We had this session on the Friday, Saturday and the Sunday.

We rushed off to break the news to the poor souls who has to stay the previous weekend for their other guest lecturers.  We tried to obtain some satisfaction from the fact that we weren't staying the second consecutive weekend in college and that we were not going to be attending a lecture.

As the D-day drew near,  we got more information on the program from the faculty. The faculty had already attended these sessions and they felt that the value add was really high and that we had to attend these sessions. Sentences that we heard here and there....."will be divided into groups."....."apply knowledge in all functional areas"..."need wi-fi and laptops the entire time"....."should have a strong background in finance"......"class from morning till night"....."software enabled..." swam thorough our heads.

I couldn't figure out whether to b excited or tensed. And so the D-day arrived and I trudged to class with my friends to make it in time for the 9.00 session. We found a list containing our group details when we reached the Group Learning Center (GLC). We were all divided into groups of five. So that was 12 groups of five each, where 6 groups were from Mars and six groups were from Earth. It was to be the same industries in two different places.

We had many small games and activities in between the main "Game". The main activity was "Running a Business". All of us were operating in the Boiler Industry and I am not going into the nitty-gritties explaining the rules and regulations and our small decisions.

My team consisted of four others - Shruthy, Sanand, George and Georgy. This was the first time I was in a group with them. We named our venture "EXCEL Ltd." In a nutshell, our activities consisted of making the vision, mission, strategy for our company.

We were working for, we were told, 10 quarters. So at the beginning of each quarter we had to set out each persons "roles", the forecasted demand for each segment, out production, the priorities for distribution, the market reports we wanted, the number of sales and after sales people in each segment, the advertisements in each sector, the R&D expenditure and even the long-term and sort-term loans. It seems quite a handful doesn't it?

Those three days....What can I say....Those were 3 amazing days. We worked together as a team, made many blunders, made loads of progress and got excited when we made profits. The intensity with which we discussed the numbers and took decisions, the adrenalin rush when we decided to go ahead with our decisions, the tensions that we had once we submitted out decisions and awaited the "quarter results"...Though I describe the moments, the intensity of all these emotions really cannot be explained.

The game was completed in 8 quarters and at the end of three days we wanted it to go on. We wanted to have more quarters in order to make decisions. We had long-term strategies that we wanted to implement. We wanted to improve our business. We wanted to be the market leaders in terms of customers, in terms of profits, in terms of margin and so on....We just didn't want to stop.

Those three days were really amazing and did add much value for all of us. The learning from the simulation game of  "EnParadigm Solution" was just too great. Thank you Veetrag and Ferzand for that amazing experience....Hats off to you guys(https://www.facebook.com/LearningCurveSimulation?sk=wall&filter=2)!!! Thank you Rajagiri for allowing it to happen, it was really amazing.

And last but not the least...my group mates.....Sanand, Shruthy, George and Georgy.....Amazing time guys...It was one of the best groups I have worked with. Working with you guys was a pleasure. I just wish we could have run our business a bit longer :) And yeah thanks Georgy and Sanand for not "firing" me when I made a colossal blunder :P. We are a great team guys and I hope I get the chance to work with you guys again.