Doubts and crossroads...

I stared solemnly at the road I had taken. I gave a glance to the road that I had left behind.

The past few weeks had taken it's toll on me. I was despondent. Nothing seemed right. There was nothing that was wrong but despite of all this everything seemed wrong.

Colors seemed bright or too pale, the shapes never seemed to fit and the effort to just smile seemed too enormous.

Stray thoughts crept into my mind and refused to leave. What I wanted was some solitude and some time and space to think. But the efforts for all this seemed too huge and I found myself confronted by loneliness and no solace.

Days passed and nothing changed. Doubts crept into my mind.  

Decisions I had taken passed into my mind. I needed to figure things out. Either writing it down or reasoning with myself and if all failed, I had to speak out my mind to somebody.

A long time spent with along with others intermittent with time with myself. Thoughts that rose up to my mind, to discard or to push back. A long drive taken to clear of the cobwebs from my mind. The long drive brought back memories that I cherished. Memories that showed me my decisions and the truth behind them.

Now I look back at the crossroad that I had to face. I look at the journey I have taken and smile at the fond memories. I look ahead in anticipation for the journey yet to take. Now at this instant I know, I have taken the right path. Had I an other chance, I would never redo any of the decisions taken for all of them have shaped me to be the person I am now. 

My mind....

The class is going on and I sit here listening to everyone talk. We have just been divided into groups and we need to move out into our assigned classroom for the group exercise.

Everybody is talking and a sense of foreboding passes over me. So many things to do and so little time...Will everything be alright? Should I be more assertive on the matter or should I just let the sleeping dogs lie?

I remembered my post on Facebook. Something that I posted a few days back. " Life is a journey, Nothing is ever predictable and everything depends on the choice that we make". And suddenly at this juncture I really did not know what choice to make. It is my life and my choice and I really did not want to make the wrong choice.  What do I do? What do I do first? Should I inform others? Will I be able to do my work on time and many more.

I know not many of them are big issues. They are all small things which I usually handle with care. But today I am unable to decide and unable to act. A sense of helplessness washes over me.

I close my eyes....I let my mind drift....A smile flashes by....A sight crosses my mind. Lizzie crosses the rods filled with slush wanting to reach Jane, hoping that her sister is doing good....Darcy finding himself falling in love with Lizzie.....His awkward proposal.....Her refusal.......Lizzie falling in love with Darcy...Things settling down....The love in the air...The happiness all around....

I open my eye with a smile. The recollection of a happy ending and my mood is trying to get back on track. I smile at my silly fancies of a moment ago.

I decide to be active in the group discussion and charge on ahead. The thoughts in my mind, set aside for now, till I can and want to deal with them.

Now our group discussion is over and I am back again in class. I am not overly cheerful but neither am I morose. I can deal with all the stupid small issues that affected me I know.

Something has come up. A word here and a word there, things are not fully in my control. I feel myself getting angry, frustrated and annoyed with many things. I know that  unnecessarily brooding over small things are going to make me feel worse. So I am determined not to let them affect me.

I think of my next character. Ayla.....her life...her childhood....the trials and tribulations she undergoes...I smile as I recollect the wonder in her eyes as she meets Jolander and "the others". I remember their journey from the valley to the Mamutoi and then finally back home to the Zelandonni...I remember and I smile.

I don't stop I go on...the Victorian era and the power and patches....I think of the pretty ladies in their gowns and the handsome Dukes and the menfolk busy with their cravats. I think of my books waiting for me at the hostel. Those that lend me company and those that can make me feel good.

Thinking of all my favorite characters and my books...Spending some time with all of them has made my day. I know my issues are just around the corner. But now I have given them a slot and there they will wait, unless I decide I want to tackle them.

And tackle them I will because now I am at peace with myself...

The small things...

The day started off really well and I was very happy until....... I reached the 'until' part and the happiness that I had in me from the morning and the happiness that had been carried over from the day before just evaporated, "Poof" right in front of my eyes.

The day which began well  began to get bad. Steeped in irritation, I went out and would you be surprised if I told you that my day went from bad to worse? As I returned my irritation levels had reached its zenith and I would lie if I said that I had not lost my temper.

This is not a usual phenomenon for me but in a way it is too. I, like everybody else, tend to get irritated at different things. So the irritation part was nothing new. But the fact that my irritation had grown over the day and had reached a point where I could no longer rationalize was something different. I do not say I never reach this stage but I rarely do.

And to my surprise, the next day when I woke up, I wasn't my usual cheerful self. I tried suppressing my irritation and anger at the world in general. But towards the end of the day I found that I was in worse shape than the previous day. I started getting annoyed at small things and snapping at small things. I was exasperated for things that were beyond my control. And the fact that they were beyond my control was adding to my agitation and anger.

I decided to pen down my thoughts and felt that I may feel better after all of the writing that I was going to do. Numerous names, one more exotic than the other popped into my head as I decided what I was going to write about. From names like "Rantings of a 'not' teenage and 'not drama queen' to ones like 'frustration' and 'how your day can go from bad to worse' popped into my head. From these names itself you can guess the state that I had worked myself up to.

All these happened yesterday and at the end of the day, you can be assured that I was in a state. I went back and cribbed about all my irritations to two people who are really close to me, my mom and to my good friend.

I spoke to them about all these problems expecting them to emphasize with me and tell me that things were going to be fine. Imagine to my surprise when nothing happened the way I expected it to happen.

Both of them spoke about how I was getting upset at things that were beyond my control and those over which I actually needn't get too worked up. After listening to all that they said, I was even more upset and dejected.

But their words forced me to think. And I am really glad that they both said what they did. I needed the reality check and needed to realize what I was doing to myself. I had always talked about being positive and cheerful  no matter what. But I let a small irritation in my mind stay there and fester and fester. The irritation in me caused me to be irritated at other and smaller things, things over which I would normally not react.

Now as I realize what I did, I know that in the future I will be more careful and take things in my stride. Irritations will come but they have to go. I cannot let my life be rules by this. So from now on, I will try to be positive as I usually say I and we all should be.

This was the decision that I took yesterday night and the remarkable thing is that when I woke today morning, I was in a much happier mood. And though there have been instances where I would have normally got irritated and upset, I no longer have those stuck in mind and impacting everything I do and the way I react.

Right now, a much happier person, singing off.....for the next session....

We, The Living

I just got off reading Ayn Rand's 'We, The Living'. And I don't know what to say....

The feeling one gets as they finish her book....It's difficult to explain but I will try.... The sense of despair that washes over you, the despondency that settles in you as you realize that everything she has written is true. 

The book contain the protagonist, Kira returning to her home town in Russia post the revolution. This book is said to be Ayn Rand's first book against Communism. There are three main characters in the book to look out for - Kira, Leo and Andrei. 

While Andrei is communist and talks about living for the society and serving the society selflessly, Leo is anti-communist and wants to live for himself and does not believe in selfless service. Kira is also anti-communist and live to fulfill her dreams. Doesn't seem complicated does it? 

As the story moves on, one reads the situation prevalent there and Kira's and Leo's struggle against that difficult system. One is blacklisted if one does not go out of the way to serve society and if one was an aristocrat. It shows the society losing it's luster. It depicts Kira losing her fight as she discovers that she cannot live for herself.

Most of Ayn Rand's books make you think, think deeply. 

This book really touched me because like Kira says in the book, it is inconceivable that one live only for the society. Just imagine, if the society were to impose on us such a ruling that anything and everything that we are to do is to be linked with helping the society. It would be such that any frivolity, any entertainment will be frowned upon. One will not be allowed to read, listen to music , dance or do anything that is considered a waste to the society. All that one does is the work decided by the state and whether you are good at what you do is not considered. The only thing that is considered is the contribution to you society. And scorn be on you if you expect high remuneration for the service that you do.

This is the horrifying way in which the post revolution state has been depicted. I just cannot imagine living in a world like that. 

Ayn Rand has written so beautifully that there are those instances where I was so moved, so frustrated by the system that Kira in me rose up to the surface. I wanted to infuse strength to Kira, wanted her to try and get out of the system and live her life and her dream.

Kira's words give much room for thought. Life is desolate and has no meaning if we aren't living for ourselves and pursuing the goals we want to pursue. Whether it be things for society, or for family or just for ourselves, unless we are self motivated to do them it will be neigh impossible to do them. Won't life lose it's meaning if we cannot see where we are going and if we cannot serve in the way we know best??? 

These are questions I ask myself. Life has a lot to offer us. I believe that as long as we know where we want to go and accept life with open arms and work constantly for it, we will and we can reach those goals. 

Life.....

As a part of the learning in life, we go through many institutions, many incidents (that we term learning experiences) and even many people (with their takes and insights on life). How much have we learnt from these and how much has this contributed in helping us cope with life?

As life goes on, the realization that all the fancy institutions and experiences may not help us to cope with certain incidents strikes me hard. At these moments, it is only the faith in god and the support of those who are dear to you that takes you through these moments...moments that seem insufferable.

So why is it that none of these fancy institutions do anything to teach us to cope? If you ask this, like I asked aloud and spend some time on the question, you will have the same realization that I did. All our schools and colleges play a major role and they do teach us to cope in many ways.  From making new friends, to defining priorities among friends, or to just deciding whether or not to take part in something,,everything makes us cope. there are instances when you decide to do something and it lands you into trouble at school or college and you have to cope with the situation of either getting punished or receiving a rebuke from parents or friends or even teachers.

As I look back, I find that most situations that I have found myself in and thought that I would never survive, I have survived. And as I look back, may be there are specific instances and incidents that can be counted...those that have helped me come out whole though not unscathed. But the things that stands out the most are the faith in god and support of dear ones, like I mentioned earlier.

 When these situations do happen one knows not what to do and where to turn. Will things be alright or will they get worse. These questions get compounded whether or not the situation was of your own making. And these questions and doubts go round and round in your head, making in impossible to think of anything else or do anything else. At moments like these, all you wish for ...is it to stop...atleast in your head. Sometimes you know that things are going to be alright but those games in you head just won't stop.

Very tempting isn't it, to put your hands to your ear and to scream at life and tell it that you won't play unless life makes the game fair. But life in never fair in the short run. Sometimes you have good luck and sometimes you don't. For somethings you have good luck and for some things you don't.

C'est La Vie!!! Have to take it as comes....

So at moments like this....remind yourselves as I remind myself...to take a deep breath....pray to God and count on your dear ones to be their for you....