Doubts and crossroads...

I stared solemnly at the road I had taken. I gave a glance to the road that I had left behind.

The past few weeks had taken it's toll on me. I was despondent. Nothing seemed right. There was nothing that was wrong but despite of all this everything seemed wrong.

Colors seemed bright or too pale, the shapes never seemed to fit and the effort to just smile seemed too enormous.

Stray thoughts crept into my mind and refused to leave. What I wanted was some solitude and some time and space to think. But the efforts for all this seemed too huge and I found myself confronted by loneliness and no solace.

Days passed and nothing changed. Doubts crept into my mind.  

Decisions I had taken passed into my mind. I needed to figure things out. Either writing it down or reasoning with myself and if all failed, I had to speak out my mind to somebody.

A long time spent with along with others intermittent with time with myself. Thoughts that rose up to my mind, to discard or to push back. A long drive taken to clear of the cobwebs from my mind. The long drive brought back memories that I cherished. Memories that showed me my decisions and the truth behind them.

Now I look back at the crossroad that I had to face. I look at the journey I have taken and smile at the fond memories. I look ahead in anticipation for the journey yet to take. Now at this instant I know, I have taken the right path. Had I an other chance, I would never redo any of the decisions taken for all of them have shaped me to be the person I am now. 

The small things...

The day started off really well and I was very happy until....... I reached the 'until' part and the happiness that I had in me from the morning and the happiness that had been carried over from the day before just evaporated, "Poof" right in front of my eyes.

The day which began well  began to get bad. Steeped in irritation, I went out and would you be surprised if I told you that my day went from bad to worse? As I returned my irritation levels had reached its zenith and I would lie if I said that I had not lost my temper.

This is not a usual phenomenon for me but in a way it is too. I, like everybody else, tend to get irritated at different things. So the irritation part was nothing new. But the fact that my irritation had grown over the day and had reached a point where I could no longer rationalize was something different. I do not say I never reach this stage but I rarely do.

And to my surprise, the next day when I woke up, I wasn't my usual cheerful self. I tried suppressing my irritation and anger at the world in general. But towards the end of the day I found that I was in worse shape than the previous day. I started getting annoyed at small things and snapping at small things. I was exasperated for things that were beyond my control. And the fact that they were beyond my control was adding to my agitation and anger.

I decided to pen down my thoughts and felt that I may feel better after all of the writing that I was going to do. Numerous names, one more exotic than the other popped into my head as I decided what I was going to write about. From names like "Rantings of a 'not' teenage and 'not drama queen' to ones like 'frustration' and 'how your day can go from bad to worse' popped into my head. From these names itself you can guess the state that I had worked myself up to.

All these happened yesterday and at the end of the day, you can be assured that I was in a state. I went back and cribbed about all my irritations to two people who are really close to me, my mom and to my good friend.

I spoke to them about all these problems expecting them to emphasize with me and tell me that things were going to be fine. Imagine to my surprise when nothing happened the way I expected it to happen.

Both of them spoke about how I was getting upset at things that were beyond my control and those over which I actually needn't get too worked up. After listening to all that they said, I was even more upset and dejected.

But their words forced me to think. And I am really glad that they both said what they did. I needed the reality check and needed to realize what I was doing to myself. I had always talked about being positive and cheerful  no matter what. But I let a small irritation in my mind stay there and fester and fester. The irritation in me caused me to be irritated at other and smaller things, things over which I would normally not react.

Now as I realize what I did, I know that in the future I will be more careful and take things in my stride. Irritations will come but they have to go. I cannot let my life be rules by this. So from now on, I will try to be positive as I usually say I and we all should be.

This was the decision that I took yesterday night and the remarkable thing is that when I woke today morning, I was in a much happier mood. And though there have been instances where I would have normally got irritated and upset, I no longer have those stuck in mind and impacting everything I do and the way I react.

Right now, a much happier person, singing off.....for the next session....

We, The Living

I just got off reading Ayn Rand's 'We, The Living'. And I don't know what to say....

The feeling one gets as they finish her book....It's difficult to explain but I will try.... The sense of despair that washes over you, the despondency that settles in you as you realize that everything she has written is true. 

The book contain the protagonist, Kira returning to her home town in Russia post the revolution. This book is said to be Ayn Rand's first book against Communism. There are three main characters in the book to look out for - Kira, Leo and Andrei. 

While Andrei is communist and talks about living for the society and serving the society selflessly, Leo is anti-communist and wants to live for himself and does not believe in selfless service. Kira is also anti-communist and live to fulfill her dreams. Doesn't seem complicated does it? 

As the story moves on, one reads the situation prevalent there and Kira's and Leo's struggle against that difficult system. One is blacklisted if one does not go out of the way to serve society and if one was an aristocrat. It shows the society losing it's luster. It depicts Kira losing her fight as she discovers that she cannot live for herself.

Most of Ayn Rand's books make you think, think deeply. 

This book really touched me because like Kira says in the book, it is inconceivable that one live only for the society. Just imagine, if the society were to impose on us such a ruling that anything and everything that we are to do is to be linked with helping the society. It would be such that any frivolity, any entertainment will be frowned upon. One will not be allowed to read, listen to music , dance or do anything that is considered a waste to the society. All that one does is the work decided by the state and whether you are good at what you do is not considered. The only thing that is considered is the contribution to you society. And scorn be on you if you expect high remuneration for the service that you do.

This is the horrifying way in which the post revolution state has been depicted. I just cannot imagine living in a world like that. 

Ayn Rand has written so beautifully that there are those instances where I was so moved, so frustrated by the system that Kira in me rose up to the surface. I wanted to infuse strength to Kira, wanted her to try and get out of the system and live her life and her dream.

Kira's words give much room for thought. Life is desolate and has no meaning if we aren't living for ourselves and pursuing the goals we want to pursue. Whether it be things for society, or for family or just for ourselves, unless we are self motivated to do them it will be neigh impossible to do them. Won't life lose it's meaning if we cannot see where we are going and if we cannot serve in the way we know best??? 

These are questions I ask myself. Life has a lot to offer us. I believe that as long as we know where we want to go and accept life with open arms and work constantly for it, we will and we can reach those goals.